Secrets

Secrets

You think because I’m old and withered,

I have nothing left to say?

Deep within these crumbling walls

lie secrets of summers gone,

when lilacs bloomed outside my door

sweet laughter danced over my windowsills.

Listen close,

you might hear a lover sigh a murmured promise,

of forever.

How foolish are the young.

A fine façade that fades so fast,

and leaves behind a summers song.

Even though the cold wind blows,

I still can hear you whisper

my name.

While tears fall silent,

in the snow.

The Flame

The Flame

Eyes, they say are windows to the soul.

I gaze into yours and ponder

Why you guard your truth.

Sometimes, I see a glimpse

of remembered warmth

but soon, the shades are drawn

and I am alone again

craving the heat of that flickering flame

still smoldering behind closed doors -

wondering at the reason it burns so low.

What remembered pain is worth dimming

The heat of a fiery heart?

Would one not risk it all to feel again?

The exquisite pleasure of being one with the blaze,

even at the danger
of being consumed?

Tunnel Vision, Chaos and Miracles

I have always been a dreamer and always will be, but my apparent tunnel vision about financial matters has resulted in a very different life these days.  Sadly, I haven't painted in a couple of months or even had more than a few moments to check out the wonderful postings by my friends in the Facebook group know as Creative Group at Bedlam Farm.

But I still think that if I focus on the kind of life I want to lead, it eventually has to manifest.

That's my belief and I'm stickin to it.

Tunnel on the bike trail where I walk Big Baxter and Little Baxter.

According to The Psychological Significance of Chaos and Disorder by Jonathan Marshall..."Chaos and disorder is a fundamental part of Jung's theory, especially after he studied alchemy......We can summarize his position by saying that the experience of chaos leads to transformation and is essential to transformation."

If this is true, I am definitely on my way to some interesting new adventures.  I didn't exactly think the pathway to adventure would be getting a job that involved bookkeeping.  But it became rather important to be able to afford to put gas in my car and food in my refrigerator.  Resurrecting my math skills at this point in my life has been interesting but not impossible.  Perhaps using the other side of my brain for awhile will result in some interesting new neural pathways up there.

I might become a famous rock star or a gourmet chef.  Who knows?  One needs to be open to all of the possibilities.

The office of a local construction company that I work for closely resembles the contents of my brain at this point, which I find slightly amusing.  I love organization but have been told by my employer not to touch anything because he "might not be able to find it then."  The trick is identifying which unlabeled beer box the bills, receipts and mail are stuffed in on any given day.  He's not really an alcoholic, but he does like his beer and also likes to save money by using the beer boxes for storage instead of a more traditional office filing system.

The office that currently resembles my brain.

I also have another nonpaying and unexpected job.  My employer also happens to be a longtime friend that I recently found a rescue dog for.  His own beloved "Buddy" a standard poodle was hit by a car last August.  He wanted a poodle mix and "Big Baxter" was the only one he fell for after months of looking at rescue sites.  Since my little dog's name is Baxter.....we had to add the "Big" to his Baxter.

What I didn't fully face when looking for perspective dogs and sending him the profiles, was the fact that my employer/friend really can't walk all that well. It's not his favorite form of exercise due to a bad ankle.  He used to pedal along on the local bike trail with Buddy running alongside and Big Baxter has learned to do the same rather nicely, when my friend finds time to do this....about once a week.  When you don't exercise a big and energetic, one year old dog every day, they tend to amuse themselves in other ways.....

like eating their master's slippers

and then the stairs.

Unfortunately, winter is coming and there are many days when walking is the only option.  Of course I volunteered to walk him "once in awhile" which has turned into several days a week.   Big Baxter still hasn't quite figured out that sudden bursts of speed are fine when biking, but not so fine when I'm on the other end of the leash.  I was flat on my face and eating dirt with two bloody knees before I knew what happened a few days ago.  Big Baxter and I had a talk about that and so far he seems to be contented with sporadic leaps here and there before remembering that sprinting is a no no.

Big Baxter with Little Baxter up ahead on the bike trail.

All my life I have known I was meant to be an artist.  Why it doesn't seem to be happening right now is a mystery to me, but I think it's about to change any day.  I got this sudden urge to look for a pair of earrings in an old jewelry box this morning.  I have no idea why because I really don't like wearing earrings.  Inside the box I found an old ring with the message Allow Miracles engraved on it and realized that this was what I was supposed to find instead.  I put it on and plan to keep it on.  I think it's all going to work out  and just to give one of those miracles a little jumpstart, I sat down and painted for a few hours tonight and then wrote this little blog.

It all felt so right.

Allow Miracles